“When words hurt”
“You’re hopeless.”
"That's a beautiful dress. It's a JL shame they didn't have your size."
"I hear your daughter has finally got a job. Did her father set it up? "
"Why waste time practicing? You'll never play the piano like your mother."
"Hey, you look marvelous! Have you had plastic surgery? "
Stinging remarks zap us every day, often when we're least prepared, they seem to be everywhere: on the road, when rush hour brings out the worst in people; in queues, when everyone's patience is wearing thin; at work and at the dinner table, where people feel free to be rude.
There are so many styles of criticism that it's impossible to catalogue them all. There are common, everyday zaps ("Congratulations! You've finally done it!") and others so hurtful they leave us dizzy and upset ("How do you manage to keep your bust so small?" or, "Oh, I see you are doing what you do best— eating").
There are comments insensitive beyond belief. When a man had plucked up the courage to tell his mother that his wife had left him, his mother snapped, "What took her so long?"
Families are supposed to be havens from the world. But, in fact, relatives say things they never would outside the family, often with the excuse "You know I wouldn't say this if I didn't love you."
One woman remembers standing at the bathroom mirror at the tender age of 12 when her mother remarked, "Don't worry, darling. If your nose gets any bigger we can have it seen to." Until then, it had never even occurred to her that her nose was less than perfect.
My favorite category of put-down is the well-dressed insult otherwise known as "constructive criticism" (which is anything but). You can recognize these by the company they keep—usually such phrases as "I hope you don't mind if I'm honest" or "I'm telling you this for your own good." Somehow, you're supposed to admire the critic for his candor and appreciate his concern, while you try to recover from the punch in the gut.
It's easy, when defending yourself from insults, to get caught in a vicious cycle of attack and counter-attack. Fortunately there are ways to deflect the barbs—and boost self-esteem. Next time you are the victim of criticism, try one of these strategies.
1. LOOK BEHIND THE INSULT. People who criticize have a lot of hurt to unload. If you can't work out
what's really bothering the critic, ask. Remember, not every criticism has your name on it. So step back and consider the source.
The waitress isn't singling you out for trouble: her boyfriend dumped her the night before. The driver who cuts you up isn't out to get you: he's rushing to the bedside of a sick child. Let him in, boost him on his way. When you give people the benefit of the doubt like this, you'll feel soothed by your grace.
2. ANALYSE THE REMARK. In The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defence, Suzette Haden Elgin suggests dividing an attack into its parts and responding to the unspoken assumption—without playing the victim. For example, someone who is told, "If you loved me, you'd lose weight" could respond, "How long have you thought I didn't love you?"
The secret is to examine what was said—and unsaid—before you get emotionally involved. Don't take the bait if you can avoid it.
3. FACE YOUR CRITIC. It's not easy to stand up to insults. One trick is to be direct. Defuse the negative comment with come-backs such as "Is there any reason you would want to hurt my feelings?" or, "Are you aware how that remark might sound to other people?" As an alternative, ask the person to clarify his or her statement: "What did you mean by that?" or "I want to make sure I understood what you said." As soon as critics know you are on to their game they will leave youalone. Nothing shames more than being caught in the act.
4. USE HUMOUR. Someone once said to a friend of mine, "A new skirt? That looks like material you'd use to upholster a chair." The woman replied, "Well, come and sit on my lap."
Another woman told me about her mother, who has devoted her life to keeping an immaculate house. One day the mother spied a cobweb in her daughter's kitchen and asked, "What's that?" Her daughter quipped, "A nature project." Making light of life is one of the best weapons against insults. A quick wit can cope with almost anyone.
5. SET UP SIGNALS. A woman told me about her husband, who criticized her only in public. She began carrying a small towel, and whenever he made a hurtful remark she put it on her head. He was so embarrassed that he stopped.
Another family came up with a phrase that serves the same purpose. Once, after Sunday dinner, their guest commented, "Oh, that was wonderful! Chicken is cheap these days, isn't it?" Now, whenever one of them makes a cutting remark, someone says, "Chicken is cheap," and they all laugh.
6. BRUSH IT OFF. Go along with whatever is said. If your wife says, "You've gained about 20 pounds, haven't you, dear?" respond: "Actually it's closer to 25." If she persists, "Aren't you going to do anything about it?" try: "Probably not. Just be fat for a while." A remark has power only if you grant it power. By being agreeable, you immobilize it.
7. IGNORE THE INSULT. Note the comment, realize it doesn't "belong" to you and simply let it go. The ability to forgive is one of the most important survival skills we can cultivate.
If you're not quite ready for that, let the speaker know you registered the remark but won't respond. Next time someone zaps you, wipe an imaginary spot off your shirt. When the person asks what you are doing, say, "Oh, I thought something hit me, but I must have been mistaken." When they know you know, criticizers are much more careful.
Or feign lack of interest. Blink, yawn, look away. People hate to think they're boring.
8. ADD TEN PER CENT. You will never be able to stop all hurtful comments from reaching you. Try to accept some verbal assaults as the normal venting of the frustration we all encounter. Most of us try not to insult others, but on occasion we make mistakes. So, defend yourself when it seems appropriate, but also consider the ten-per-cent solution:
Ten per cent of the time, something you've just bought will turn out to be cheaper elsewhere.
Ten per cent of the time, something you lent to someone will come back damaged.
Ten per cent of the time, even your best friend may say something thoughtless and regret it.
In other words, develop a thick skin. It is often easier to assume that people are doing the best they can, and that many are simply unaware of the impact of their behavior.
It costs far more to defend yourself constantly, to need to be right and in control. Try forgiving, and you get more than ten per cent in return.
After a man had verbally attacked Buddha, he responded, "My son, if someone declined to accept a present, to whom would it belong?" The man
answered, "To him who offered it." "And so," said Buddha, "I decline to accept your abuse."
The world is full of people who establish their worth by degrading others. They have pockets and purses full of put-downs—and they'll hand them out to anyone.
Refuse to accept their insults, even when hurled under the guise of love. By ignoring them, you'll reduce tension, strengthen your relationships and increase your joy.
